if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
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[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
i baked you a cake
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me