If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
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Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
