If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
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women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
#Caturday
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
*sewing*
A thread
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
tag yourself
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Ahh Monday.. Like the unpleasant realisation of an auto renewal that’s 3 X the original price
If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.