If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
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“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
I may look calm but on the inside I’m 28 over-caffeinated panic attacks in a trench coat
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Husband: *belches
Me: Exactly!
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.