Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel

the way turkeys feel about november is probably how treadmills feel about january

Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.

A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.

hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER

Harsh but fair

True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.

2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.

me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue

broke down and did it

Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks

me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?

satan: yup

me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway

satan: you got it

me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?

[job interview]

Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?

Me: I believe the explanation is clear.

B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—

*I have disappeared*

B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.

[From ceiling]

M: I accept.

Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.

If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.

If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.

My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!

My gf 2nd month: listen

Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro

Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.

Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.

Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.

“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.

I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet

“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”

Me checking my bank balance online.

*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.

Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.

Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?

I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.