If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
You Might Also Like
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
[job interview]
My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar
The government: You’re hired
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
😎 🍻
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Judges are so childish. Oh, you’re angry so you’re going to slam your little hammer on the table?
Grow up
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.