If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
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13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Him: When I break something, I fix it… you should try this sometime.
Me: Uhhh I take the kids to therapy thank you very much.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
My love language is hissing.
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Go girl power!
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
thanking the kid in his karate uniform for his service
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.