If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
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Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would u believe
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
[holstering a comically oversized mallet]
I’m a firm believer in the healing power of cartoon violence.
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.