If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
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I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲
Date night is paying someone $120 to have fun with your kids so you can argue with your spouse in peace.
🤣😂
Plant care tips
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.