If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
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Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
[bed]
ME: [with one foot poking out of the covers] Monsters could get me
ME: [pulling foot under covers] I am now completely safe
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10
your honor my client chooses dare