If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
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My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please