If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
You Might Also Like
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!