If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
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[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
This publishing job says applicants must currently live in Illinois, but then relocate to Michigan. WTF? Why??
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.