If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
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I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help
Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.