If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
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me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
oh my gosh!!
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
fixed it
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
What a kind woman! 😂😂
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.
True
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…