If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
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“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”
This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
My husband ordered takeout tonight from a place that previously ignored his note about pickles so he tried to make it stand out.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.