Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.

My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target

*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”

“Let’s not fight.”

Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog

Getting really mad at my friend because:
1. They don’t know about road trip stew.
2. They won’t let me plug my crockpot into the cig lighter and teach them.

*getting murdered*

Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert

Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?

Me: that’s not my hair.

Wife: then who’s hair is it?

Me: omg it’s a full moon.

Wife: so?

Me: *whispers* weresoap.

*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost

hey can I use your bathroom?

cashier: only paying customers

jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-

[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.

The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle

My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.

I stopped carrying a grudge

Weigh me now

If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.

A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast

meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off

Me: Let me shift gears for just a second

Bus driver: Go back to your seat!

Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.

VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine

If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.

In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.

If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.

My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.

Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.

Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!

Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?

I just did.

Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦‍♂️😂

Me: I might give this money to that homeless guy
Wife: Do you want it wasted on fast food and alcohol?
Me: No
Wife: Then give it to the homeless guy

SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.

My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.