Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Me as a babysitter]

ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out

HER: My son is Robert

ME: We have 2 problems

*yells from space*

Did you kill that spider?!

People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.

It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.

[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”

Them: Go big or go home

Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice

My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed

A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.

I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.

Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.

“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy

My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.

Unimpressed

3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.

there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.

Me: The brake pads breaked.

Mechanic: Broke.

Me: The broke pads breaked.

I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”

My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”

Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter

It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.

Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.

They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?

Dear parents,

Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.

*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*

[first day in the army]

me: hi I like your slacks

him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants

me: ok but I also like your blouse

[Veterans Hospital]

GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?

ME: Haha, well…interesting story

I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time

I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.

imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out

Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.