You Might Also Like
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
birds and squirrels envy us
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*