Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
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I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.