Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.

It’s either sink or swim.

#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

THIS HEADLINE

[walking into Sephora]

me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.

my husband: I’m right here you know

Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY

To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.

This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.

Alexa, make out with the Roomba

[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?

ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*

[during sex]

Can you please take your Fitbit off.

Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?

Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.

I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.

😂😂

Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion

[walking down the toilet paper aisle]

Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?

Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.

How to dress when you are a woman over forty:

1. Be a woman over forty

2. Put your clothes on

Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?

Thank you.

Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776

a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat

Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.

Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.

Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.

I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.

People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.

My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.

Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.

– Frank Piñata

[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop

*ransom note on gun*

[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]

[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]