Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.

[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.

Husband: Where is the candy?

Me: What candy?

Husband: The Easter candy.

Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.

“when we kissed, I saw fireworks” you mean the kiss was super boring despite also being incredibly loud and scaring the shit out of my dog?

I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…

First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.

this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website

Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.

Metabolism:

“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”

384 my liege

“Ok, round them up”

400 my liege

My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.

Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.

Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.

mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul

wife: oh my god she’s possessed

me: you sure? I mean you know her better but

Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE

I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…

…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.

FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swear

ME: is it your liver & kidneys?

i bet it’s your liver & kidneys

The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…

-stalker’s

If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar

“I found my charger!!”

– a love story

Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!

Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda

Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.

Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.

me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait

He refuses to bathe without the Melon

My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark

[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”

It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.

angel: where’d all the zebras go?

God: I put ’em in the desert

angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow

God: I know lol

I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.