If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.

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I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’


Make baby clothes in my size!!! I want elastic pants with cool as hell dinosaurs on them or lil crop tops with avocados or some shit!!!!


God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’


Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep


Chinese Food: $16.72

Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94

Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless


Salesman: This model corners really well

Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*


I’m wearing my big rolled up socks again today and I’m doing so with pride. So all you haters can get in a taxi and chip off.


For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in


Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning

Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur