Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab

I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”

It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.

you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter

they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume

gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms

*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!

Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?

Husband: GET UP!

My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.

I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.

She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.

My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”

[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]

Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*

Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?

[first date]

HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.

ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.

Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.

I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”

Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…

[horror movie in 2169]

The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE

[entire audience faints]

We’ve all been there

So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response

[2 monkeys in a bath]

Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!

Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in

Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?

Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.

Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.

When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.

apparently this year was written by stephen king

Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.

My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*

Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*

Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*

Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….

Me: Shit.

It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.

A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief