Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.

i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose

I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is

A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.

My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.

Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?

Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK

I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.

#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?

A panda with a set of drums.

The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua

Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.

“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:

1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the death

If you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”

I’m all “class”.

The first two letters really aren’t necessary.

me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do

barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!

me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.

[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”

Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.

Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.

day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me

Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.

Love when a doctor emails me about my “outstanding bill” if it’s so good why don’t YOU pay it

I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.

teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.

Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.

Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.

He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.

I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.

Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.

Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.

[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?

A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.

*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend