If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
You Might Also Like
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
it was a valiant fight