Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop: can you describe the suspect

witness: he was no more than 6 feet

cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god

*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*

13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!

Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.

Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.

Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.

i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,

Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?

4-year-old: No.

Me: Then where’d it go?

4: She sneezed and it exploded.

Sounds legit.

OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway

ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes

LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no

Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.

Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.

My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.

FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.

unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life

She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.

When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.

Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?

I’d rather fork than spoon.

I need to sieze this.

You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run

This concludes your parenting course.

Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!

Bird 2: It’s incredible!!

Bird: imma stand in the road

Bird 2: Me too

Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.

What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet.

Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*

Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.

Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.

I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.

A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.

Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?

What’s faster than the speed of light?

A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.

Staying with my parents, pt. 3:

[4 yo is following my dad around]

Her: Whatcha doin?

Dad: Grabbing things for errands

Her: Whatcha doin now?

Him: Going to the garage

Her: Where you goin now?

Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE

Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?

Therapist: let go of my collar

Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket