If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
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For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
My eye caught an article about the presidential debate but I read it as “preschool debate” and I’m pretty sure they’re the same thing