if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.
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the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Worst perfume name ever.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.