if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.
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I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Me: did you find the problem?
Plumber: toilet goblin.
Me: a what?
Plumber: *welding the seat lid closed* toilet. goblin.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Why procrastinate now when you can always procrastinate later?
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Went in my local the other day, new barman very smiley and chatty I ordered a pint and a vodka tonic for my wife, he smiled and asked ‘single?’ I replied sorry mate I’m married, he said I meant double or single vodka pal. Got to find a new local.