if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.
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Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
#JohnTravolta
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport
Just witnessed a home depot walk of shame (guy taking his purchase back in because it wouldn’t fit in his car)
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
My teen would like you to know I ruined her life when I did her laundry today.
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!