if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.
You Might Also Like
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Sometimes? I’m slipping
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Me last week: Is fencing where they fight with swords & beekeeper outfits
Me this week: (shaking head wisely) He’s got terrible form. An embarrassment to the sport.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬