If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
You Might Also Like
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Go hard or stay average
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives