If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
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nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Hacker: Give us your password or else
30 minutes later…
Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
There are two types of people in politics. Avoid them.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
it’s either covid or clever vampires
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Me: *opens my front door*
Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*
Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.