If you think my heart is cold, you should feel my feet.
You Might Also Like
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
Instead of the USPS they should have the PSPS where trucks would just drive around and put cats in your mailbox.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*