If you think my heart is cold, you should feel my feet.
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i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake