If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
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My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
How to properly lift a body
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
what the hell girl, sure
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.