If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
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*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’