If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
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I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig
Date: Did you just spit your tooth out?
Me: Oh that’s not mine
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right