Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.

Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.

Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice

Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.

2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”

Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…

I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.

And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!

My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”

my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.

Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?

Me: finally drifting off to sleep

The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this

[crime scene]

ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?

DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side

*rookie cop vomits*

The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.

CSI: North Pole

Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.

Chief: Did you find hoof prints?

Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.

I had a race with a smart car today.

I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.

My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.

men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner

Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?

Me: Hogwarts.

Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.

“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast

When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.

graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday

My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.

I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”

Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs

ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?

HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*

ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.

I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”

I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.

So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.

Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.