If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
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Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Shout out to Yamaha for being like, “Here’s a motorcycle. Also, here’s a good as shit piano
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!