If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
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If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I
My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots