Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”

I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.

APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too

It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?

Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.

Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her

This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.

My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.

May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”

Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.

Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate

Me: I got the buffet 🤭

“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”

the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”

#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…

I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.

My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.

Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.

Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*

I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.

ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted

ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up

satan: i am lord of the underworld.

me: Antarctica?

satan: no it’s much hotter.

me: (nods) Australia.

When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies

My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”

COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: hi grayfish

GOLDFISH: hi dog

DOG: u said that already

GOLDFISH: said what

Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.

You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.

Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?

KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat

DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes

[introducing my children]

…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex

ME: *puts my hair in a bun*

WAITER: gross