Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

describing stardew valley

I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.

Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.

(gets pulled over)

wife: be nice.

cop: do you have any drugs?

me: yeah man help yourself.

I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.

Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.

i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven

Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.

I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread

“How do you speak with an American accent?”

“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”

Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?

Because it requires two i’s.

4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.

They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.

Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.

them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:

My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.

A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.

[parking lot in the 80’s]

*man appears to be having a heart attack*

MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR

ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead

My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’

ALL week.

colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan

#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.

Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*

Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”

Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”

Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind

My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.

[at the spelling bee]

moderator: your word is parole

me: can you use it in a sentence?

moderator: depends what you’re in for

Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early

My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.

A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks

I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.