If you think someone has put a hex on you, Venmo me $800 and I’ll get rid of it.
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Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Attempts to look badass by performing a call to summon the wolves
Gets tackled by 15 rats instead
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”
Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”
3 yr old: starts sobbing.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
