If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.
It cost me an arm and a leg!
You Might Also Like
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
u spoke cat all this time??????
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.