If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks.
It cost me an arm and a leg!
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take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
🙋♀️
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.