Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower

prison guard: those are ramen noodles

*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*

I wish I had a better metabolism

During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars

I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.

This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old

“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.

I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.

We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move

me: time for some laundry 🙂

laundry machine: ok 🙂

me: ok time to dry 🙂

dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets

I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.

Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.

Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes

Everyone: *freaking out*

Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours

Everyone: *calms down*

Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff

Clark Kent is such a hipster.

He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman

People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.

Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”

WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!

getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy

7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!

Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.

7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??

These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.

The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)

I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!

stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him

I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.

For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..

Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.

my cat: I’d like to go out

me: ok

my cat’s tail: not me tho

Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando

my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated