if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
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One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
After 35, your body ages in dog years
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
I’m sorry but how the hell did we land on the moon and back in 1969 but can’t retrieve our astronauts from the Space Station in 2024?
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
