if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
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Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.