if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
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“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
When I said I liked it rough.
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.