if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
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Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.