Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.

Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.

Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*

Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant

My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes

i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory

Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker

To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.

Aim at his smartphone.

He’ll die faster.

Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone

Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.

We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.

Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.

[at the opera]

Date: this is going on forever

Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing

This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.

*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*

Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*

Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.

An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling

After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?

Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework

Me: hey, I like your tummy

Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets

When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe

Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting

[in hell journal day 211]

I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me

In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.

i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.

-kids

Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust

do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”

7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:

Thursday, 4:01pm

“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”

[on Shark Tank]

me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”