If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
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Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
the zen of frog
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]
Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.
9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
So now I’m told that when cats bring in dead mice, they aren’t “trophies”, but a critique on your own ability to hunt and feed yourself. Which is a bit rich from an an animal that gives it the big leg rub when it fancies a pouch of salmon & herring, the grifting whiskery pricks.
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will