If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
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The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan