Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Target bill was $23 this month. Either I am really getting my shit together or someone at corporate has made a terrible mistake.

I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.

Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.

me: how much is this cordless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine

Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.

“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins

I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.

I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.

pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied

“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”

*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*

*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.

[God creating burps]

Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?

Angel: yes sir

O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!

Avocado pits are exceptionally useful, in some unexpected ways.

I once smuggled an avocado pit in my prison wallet when I had to go to jail for a bit.

Three days later. I carefully removed it then artfully carved a lockpick out of it. When I was caught a week later in Florida, I refused to tell them how I’d escaped. The sheriff who drove me back to prison told me I had balls.

If only he knew the truth.

My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me

Think you know guilt?

*takes long drag on cigarette*

I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.

*exhales*

I hear Simba’s screams every night.

My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time

Bear

My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well

Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings

me: i need a dr appointment

reception: ok plz verify your birthday

me: it’s this friday

reception: thanks

me: but you don’t have to get me anything

reception: umm, ok

me: there’s really nothing i even need

reception: ok i wasn-

me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12

Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.

If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?

This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.

I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”

you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am

this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane

So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.

I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba

Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.