If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
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2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive