If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
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ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!
The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Police officer: please step out of your vehicle
me: after this song, hold on
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text