If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
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Wireless bra? What’s the password?
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn