If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
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“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
A dad and his duck
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Fiction has to make sense.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!