If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.
You Might Also Like
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
me, too, girl. me, too.
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
why isn’t thunder called soundning
seems fine
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps