Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.

Me: Yes, is it still 666?

Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”

5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”

Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”

5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”

What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?

Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.

I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.

[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*

DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?

JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.

BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?

ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses

Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.

guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”

HER: so like, what are you into?

ME: coincidences

HER: no way, me too!

Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green

[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany

Two things I learned this weekend are:

1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.

2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.

Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.

me: [offering joint] wanna hit

giraffe:

me: nvm ur already high lol

[later]

scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before

me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?

therapist: no i totally get it

Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.

If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.

[movie night]

5: what should we watch?

Me: anything you want

5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad

2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.

[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister

Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.

“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.

Husband of the year 😂

[bank]

Associate: are you here to take out a loan?

Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident

You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….

If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.

Losing weight

Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carried

Cons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried

Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.