If you think voting is pointless wait until you hear about writing posts here.
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“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
Godspeed, John Glenn
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
seems like a niche market
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.