If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
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Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Unfair that the older I get, the clearer photo quality gets.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.