If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
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Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
Damn he played himself
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.