@ddsmidt

If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.

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@IamEveryDayPpl

Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.

@ShesARealGenius

ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea

@thefurlinator

will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer

@philco816

Man Maroon 5 just keeps the hits coming .

Wife: The radio isn’t on. Those are two alley cats in heat.

Me: I don’t wanna know, know, know.

@audipenny

friend: wish you were here!

me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really

@StoferComic

An argument with my wife is like the gas pedal on a Prius. I can put my foot down, but I don’t really expect much to happen…