If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
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A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
“The Perfect Relationship”
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
who’s gonna tell her?
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.