If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
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I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
this could fix me
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.