Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?

they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one

aladdin: i can show you the world

jasmine: no

aladdin: i can show you a cool bug

jasmine: ok

Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.

People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.

*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*

Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!

When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.

If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?

You go home because it’s your favorite one being used

Math is easy

quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job

My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.

The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it

Room with a view.

*checks Timeline*…

Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry

I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.

Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.

Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.

But it’s more likely a sociopath.

~Inspirational

A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”

1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”

If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.

[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT

thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider

Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise

Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.

Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.

Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.

I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.

wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.

her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?

me: bears

a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week

klingon

*two claps*

klingoff

I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.