Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….

So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!

Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.

Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.

If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.

getting groceries

This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.

Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*

I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.

[car slides off road in a snowstorm]

Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me

[we both laugh as he drives away]

[still stuck 10 hours later]

Wife:
Me: I regret nothing

I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese

Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell

*furtive glance to make sure no one is listening* I keep my friends close and my enemies as far away as possible but don’t tell people that, we got a good thing going with the other thing

Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?

ME: can I ask one last question

FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot

[gunshots]

FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.

guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-

guard 2: AAAAAAHHH

guard 1: always screams

me: doesn’t that get annoying?

guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome

I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets

Never judge a book by its cover…

Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.

(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie

At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game

them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:

Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.

Some questgivers in Cyberpunk 2077 give you ominous warnings like “DON’T keep me waiting” and it bothers me so much.
If you really want someone shot, something stolen or someplace exploded, you can wait for me to find a pair of jean shorts to complete my outfit.

My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes

Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind

I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.

I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir

If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.

When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s